Telly Monster Myco

Grand Rapids · Michigan

You do nothing.It does everything.

Fully colonised bags, sealed here in Michigan and shipped ready to go. Nothing to mix, nothing to sterilise, nothing to mist, nothing to buy on top. Take it out of the box, stand it on a shelf, and let the monster work.

  • 100% colonised on arrival
  • No equipment
  • Ships from Michigan
  • Live arrival guaranteed

The whole job

Four steps, and two of them
are not really steps.

Every other mushroom kit hands you a job. Sterilise this, inoculate that, mist twice a day, watch the humidity, keep a log. We did all of that already, in a clean room in Michigan, weeks before the box turned up at your door.

01

Open the box

Slide the bag out. That is the only time you need to touch it.

02

Stand it up

Any spot out of direct sun. A shelf, a worktop, the corner of a desk. Room temperature is what it wants.

03

Walk away

No misting. No fanning. No tent, no meter, no schedule. The bag carries its own weather inside it.

04

Pick

Pins in about a week, dinner a few days after that. Most bags then go again on their own.

0Jobs for you
100%Colonised on arrival
7Days to first pins
Up to4Flushes a bag

Inside the film

Why it needs nothing
from you

A set-and-forget bag is not a kit with the work hidden. It is a finished thing. The four parts below are what replace the job.

A finished block

The substrate is fully run through with mycelium before it leaves us. There is no colonisation phase left for you to wait on or get wrong.

A breathing patch

The filter patch trades gas with the room and blocks everything else. That is the fanning, done passively, for the life of the bag.

Its own weather

The bag holds humidity around the block the way a terrarium does, so there is no misting, no tent, and nothing to keep topped up.

Already cut

The flush window is scored at the factory. Fruit comes out where we decided it would, so you are never stood there with a scalpel.

A No Tek bag in full flush

The product

No Tek

Set & Forget Bags

Tek is the word growers use for technique. The teks, the schedules, the spreadsheets, the arguing about them. This bag is named for not having one.

It leaves us fully colonised, sealed, and already cut. There is no stage left that you could get wrong, because there is no stage left at all. Stand it somewhere out of direct sun at room temperature and the next thing you do is pick.

Bag
5 lb, sealed
Colonised
100% before it ships
First pins
About 7 to 10 days
Flushes
Up to four
Equipment needed
None
Work required
None
$32 per bag Order a bag
Live arrival, guaranteed. Every bag leaves fully colonised and is checked on the bench before it is boxed. If yours turns up damaged, dried out or contaminated, send one photo within 48 hours and the replacement goes out the same week. No form, no argument.

Grown here

Bagged on the Grand, not in a warehouse three states away.

Everything is made in one room in Grand Rapids. Grain is cooked, substrate is mixed, bags are sealed and colonised, and the finished ones go out from the same building. Nothing is drop-shipped and nothing is bought in already made.

It matters more than it sounds. A bag that has spent three weeks in transit is a bag that has already used up the easy part of its life. Ours are shipped the week they finish, most of the Midwest gets them in two days, and they arrive still pushing.

Made in
Grand Rapids, MI
Cut to shipped
Same week
Midwest transit
1 to 2 days
Bought-in bags
None

From the porch

People who did nothing,
and it worked

★★★★★
I kept waiting for the part where I had to do something. There isn’t one. It sat on the bookshelf and eleven days later there was more food than we could eat.
Danielle R · Ann Arbor, MI
★★★★★
Killed two kits from other places before this. The difference is it turned up already finished. Mine went three times and the second flush was the biggest.
Marcus T · Toledo, OH
★★★★★
Bought one for my dad, who forgets to water plants. That was the test and it passed. He has ordered three more since.
Priya N · Chicago, IL

The other side of the bench

Microscopy is a
separate counter.

We also keep a research line: genuine dormant spore syringes and spore prints, for taxonomy, identification and microscopy work.

It is deliberately kept apart from the bags, because it is a different product sold under different rules. There is no kit, nothing to grow, and no cultivation advice attached to it. If what you want is mushrooms to eat, everything you need is further up this page.

See the research line

Research line conditions

Sold strictly for legal microscopy, taxonomy, identification, research and educational use. Not for cultivation, production or consumption.

You must be 21 or older to order.

We do not ship the research line to California, Idaho, Georgia or Florida. Orders to those states are refused at checkout and refunded in full.

Straight answers

The things people ask
before the first bag

Do I really not have to do anything?

Correct. No misting, no fanning, no humidity tent, no thermometer, no daily check. Stand the bag somewhere out of direct sun at normal room temperature and leave it alone. The only thing you do is pick.

How long until there are mushrooms?

Usually pins inside a week and a harvest a few days after that, though it varies with how warm your room is. A warm room is quicker than a cold one, and that is about the only thing that changes it.

How much does one bag actually produce?

A 5 lb bag typically gives 1 to 2 lb across its first flush, and keeps going for up to four flushes in total.

What if it arrives damaged or contaminated?

Send one photo within 48 hours of delivery and we replace it. No form to fill in and no argument. Green, black or wet grey patches are contamination and are covered. Ordinary white fuzz is just mycelium and is meant to be there.

Is any of this psychedelic?

No. Everything sold on this site is legal to grow and eat in all fifty states. The research line is a separate product with its own conditions, and it is not a kit.

Where do you ship, and how fast?

Bags go anywhere in the United States. Most of the Midwest is 1 to 2 days from us in Grand Rapids and the coasts are 3 to 4. We hold bags back rather than post them into an extreme heatwave or freeze.

Read the full FAQ

Ready when you are

Put it on a shelf.
Forget it. Eat it.

Free shipping over $75. Live arrival guaranteed on every bag.